Love Words

This Valentine’s Day will be the 26th one that Robyn and I have spent together, which means nearly half of the Valentine’s Days I’ve celebrated over my lifetime have been with her. Since that first one in 1998 to this one, we have done a lot of living and loving. (I would say laughing, too, but that’s took close to the old “Live, Laugh, Love” thing we saw everywhere in the late 1990’s.) And with all that living and loving (and laughing, too), we’ve discovered a few words that seem to bubble up the most when we think of love.

Some of them are obvious, and if you’ve been with someone for any length of time, you’ve probably used them: honey, lover, sweetheart. I may throw in a darling via text once in awhile, but we use those words to refer to each other than we ever do our actual names. When one of us is calling for the other from another part of the house, we don’t call out “ROBYN!” or “DUANE!” unless we are mad. First names like that are usually reserved for the less loving moments. If she needs me to come to the kitchen, I will usually hear “Honey, can you come here?” If I need her to come to the bedroom, she will usually hear, “Dearest darling of my desire, come hither to me!”

Needless to say, that doesn’t really work.

Some of the love words we’ve learned over the last 26 years are not quite as obvious. They aren’t terms of endearment, used in hushed tones in the most romantic settings. They are words that show we’ve learned that falling in love is easy, but staying in love–well, that takes work.

Forgiveness. Grace. Mercy. These are important love words, because sometimes the sweetheart is a jerk. Sometimes the lover isn’t very lovable. Sometimes the honey is a bitter pill to swallow. In the moments when life is tough and arguments arise, the loving words we need most are not words of affection or desire. They are words that offer something bigger and greater than anything we thought of when we first looked at each other after work one day at the Disney Store and thought, “Hey, she’s beautiful!” and “Hey, he’s not as dorky as I thought he was!”

Love words this time of year are everywhere. We see them on cards, chocolates, chalk-like candy hearts, balloons, billboards, pop-up ads. Everywhere you look, you’ll see words of love, reflecting all the wonderful, everyday, somewhat fleeting aspects of love. You won’t see a balloon that says, “You’ve given me more grace than I could ever deserve!” You won’t find a box of chocolates inscribed with “Thank you for your ineffable forgiveness, because I know how very badly I have hurt you over the years!”

In a world that claims to want to “be real,” that kind of reality sucks for a holiday sentiment. But it sure makes a difference when you really, truly, love someone.

So, this Valentine’s Day, I will call my dearest darling of a wife all the mushy lovey names I can think of. But I will also make sure she knows that the love words that will get us through another 26 years aren’t super romantic. They don’t look good on a Hallmark card. But heartfelt apologies, honesty and truth, grace and mercy, forgiveness unmerited–these are the love words that have helped us get this far.

And if you put them into everyday practice, they become more than words. They become a way of life. They become your reality. And then you finally understand why people say love is work. Because it takes work to offer an apology, to give forgiveness–to understand grace.

But that is what makes it love.